Communicating Forgiveness

The process of forgiveness is one of continuous choices.

• Do you want to forgive the other?
• Can you forgo receiving an apology and still forgive?
• Are you able to live every day with the spirit of forgiveness?
• Will you communicate to the other person that you forgive them?

That last decision brings up a few more questions:

Is it necessary to tell the person you have forgiven that you have forgiven him/her?

If you are forgiving for yourself, is this communication really needed? Perhaps not. You got what you were seeking – healing. If they don't think they did anything needing to be forgiven, then this step of communication may lead to more frustration if they push back.

Will communicating with them be harmful to you?

If you are forgiving an act of violence and communicating with that person puts you or someone else in harms way, then your safety is too important to risk opening communication. If there is no threat to safety, then you may wish to go ahead. However, if you think communicating forgiveness will miraculously make the person give you an apology when they never have shown remorse, you may be setting yourself up for additional pain. Be prepared for a “non-response” from the other.

Is there an upside to communicating forgiveness?

So, it may not be necessary and could very possibly not be well-received to communicate forgiveness. But is it possible that there is a positive outcome to communicating forgiveness? Forgiving another is an act of mercy and it can deflate ongoing conflict. Instead of you fighting back against a hurt, you are putting an end to the offense. That could give the other room to diffuse their feelings and not act just out of reaction.

More than that, if you communicate forgiveness, you could give a very powerful message to the other. You are saying that they are more than that offense. Everyone makes bad choices, but unless the other person is a sociopath, that does not have to define who they are.

If you stole something and forever more were called a thief, you would feel like that is all you should be, that the label “thief” is who you are. Provided you aren't actually a kleptomaniac, this is an unbalanced categorization of your character. Alternatively, if someone said what you did was wrong, but they know you are capable of good and they are willing to let you show that you will not steal again, you would feel free to be a better person in other regards.

Again, the other person may not apologize and still may not see what they did as wrong, but you could be giving them a two-fold gift – first forgiving and secondly letting them know that they have goodness in them. Really, those are both gifts to yourself. You are not holding hate in your heart and you are choosing to have a positive outlook and not letting that person alter how you look at people and their intentions.

How about you? Do you feel it is necessary or good to tell the other person that you forgive them?