Fluent in forgiveness

As a pilgrim I met along the way, who is in "A Way to Forgiveness" says - forgiveness is like learning a language. The more you do it, the easier it comes. I liked the way he put that and it was helpful to me then and still strikes me when I watch the film with a new audience.

At a screening on Saturday, there was a question during the Q&A portion that led me to think about people who I know just a little who have done something to hurt me. I realized that I haven't taken the time to forgive them because those people mean so little to me. When someone you love hurts you, I think that the love can compel you to try to forgive. Without great love, there is not great hurt, and not a great desire to right the relationship.

If you are forgiving mostly for yourself - to let go of pain and heal - then maybe you don't need to forgive those people. But the call to forgive is to repair relationships. This doesn't mean every time you forgive, there is reconciliation and the relationship will go back to what it was before. It means that when there has been hurt, there is a brokenness that needs to be tended to. Even if that person means very little to you and thus the hurt may be smaller and the desire to forgive may be small, there is still some brokenness. Should that not be repaired?

What about a perfect stranger who does something to you? Presumably you don't love that person (any more than you love any person just for being human), so the desire or need to forgive would not grow out of the level of love. Instead. I believe that in those circumstances, the need to forgive increases with the level of the offense. If a stranger does something small, like cut you off in traffic, you can quickly forgive and it almost means nothing to you. But if they rob you or physically harm you, then there is deeper brokenness that will need to be addressed despite the lack of relationship.

I confess, I felt convicted in front of that audience on Saturday, realizing that as I spoke about how to forgive, there were people that I hadn't forgiven. We are called to forgive widely and often, to forgive loved ones and strangers alike.

So perhaps those offenses by people who aren't a big part of our life are the first lessons in this new language of forgiveness. Instead of sweeping them under the rug, we should deal with them so that we can be fluent in forgiveness when it is more strongly needed.

Communicating Forgiveness

The process of forgiveness is one of continuous choices.

• Do you want to forgive the other?
• Can you forgo receiving an apology and still forgive?
• Are you able to live every day with the spirit of forgiveness?
• Will you communicate to the other person that you forgive them?

That last decision brings up a few more questions:

Is it necessary to tell the person you have forgiven that you have forgiven him/her?

If you are forgiving for yourself, is this communication really needed? Perhaps not. You got what you were seeking – healing. If they don't think they did anything needing to be forgiven, then this step of communication may lead to more frustration if they push back.

Will communicating with them be harmful to you?

If you are forgiving an act of violence and communicating with that person puts you or someone else in harms way, then your safety is too important to risk opening communication. If there is no threat to safety, then you may wish to go ahead. However, if you think communicating forgiveness will miraculously make the person give you an apology when they never have shown remorse, you may be setting yourself up for additional pain. Be prepared for a “non-response” from the other.

Is there an upside to communicating forgiveness?

So, it may not be necessary and could very possibly not be well-received to communicate forgiveness. But is it possible that there is a positive outcome to communicating forgiveness? Forgiving another is an act of mercy and it can deflate ongoing conflict. Instead of you fighting back against a hurt, you are putting an end to the offense. That could give the other room to diffuse their feelings and not act just out of reaction.

More than that, if you communicate forgiveness, you could give a very powerful message to the other. You are saying that they are more than that offense. Everyone makes bad choices, but unless the other person is a sociopath, that does not have to define who they are.

If you stole something and forever more were called a thief, you would feel like that is all you should be, that the label “thief” is who you are. Provided you aren't actually a kleptomaniac, this is an unbalanced categorization of your character. Alternatively, if someone said what you did was wrong, but they know you are capable of good and they are willing to let you show that you will not steal again, you would feel free to be a better person in other regards.

Again, the other person may not apologize and still may not see what they did as wrong, but you could be giving them a two-fold gift – first forgiving and secondly letting them know that they have goodness in them. Really, those are both gifts to yourself. You are not holding hate in your heart and you are choosing to have a positive outlook and not letting that person alter how you look at people and their intentions.

How about you? Do you feel it is necessary or good to tell the other person that you forgive them?

Accepting Forgiveness

A lot of talk on forgiveness has to do with when you are the one who has been hurt and must decide to forgive or not. But what about when you are on the other end of forgiveness? Can you accept that act of mercy?

I think a few elements must be present to accept the gift of forgiveness.

Remorse for what you have done. Sure, the other person may not have needed an apology from you to be able forgive, but if you don't have regret, if you don't think there was anything to be forgiven, then you wouldn't have to receive forgiveness. If you are truly going to take in the merciful act, you need acknowledge and be sorry for what you have done.

Forgive yourself. Some people can't accept that someone would forgive them for what they have done. They think what they did is beyond forgiving. I think that is a sure sign that they have not forgiven themselves. The same steps to forgiveness apply no matter if it is another or it is yourself that you need to forgive. Realize the strength that person had to forgive you and match it with your own strength to forgive.

Resolve to do better. I know this is the Catholic in me, borrowing from words spoken in the confessional, where we say “I firmly resolve with the help of Thy grace to sin no more.” But truly, the best apology is changed behavior. If the person forgave you and you have forgiven yourself, then you both know whatever happened was unacceptable. Don't do it again. Whatever you did, you also broke a level of trust. To rebuild that trust you need to show that you will not repeat the offense.

Relationships of any kind will inevitably include something that needs to be forgiven. No matter which side of an offense you are on – accept forgiveness.