The Unforgivable

At a networking event last week the topic of forgiveness came up, as it often does for me now as I tell people about my documentary. The discussion turned to the idea of things that are unforgivable. The person who staunchly held the opinion that certain offenses can not be forgiven clearly had some trauma from the past that was still very present. I did my best to have compassion while calling this person to see the value of forgiveness.

But are there things which are unforgivable? As I interviewed people along the Camino de Santiago about this topic, most people were positive about the prospect of forgiveness, difficult as the process may be. One person – who did not make the final cut of the film, unfortunately – said that she believes certain offenses – abuse of children and murder – are unforgivable. Others I have talked to add sexual abuse and rape to that list. And for some, they add marital infidelity or other deception.

So what makes an act unforgivable? Is it the vulnerability of the victim? The intent of the offender? The depth of depravity of the offense? Whether or not an offense is repeated? The lack of an apology?

First, we must define what it means to forgive. It is to give up the anger and resentment of an offense, to pardon that incident. It does not mean you are condoning the behavior. It does not mean that the offender should not deal with consequences what he/she did. If it was a criminal act, they should be brought to the proper authorities. Forgiveness absolutely does not mean that the victim should be forced to continually be put in a position to be the target of the offender, as in a case of abuse. Safety is paramount.

So given that understanding, is anything really unforgivable? What would stand in the way? I dare say what stands in someone's way of forgiving is their own mind. Forgiveness is an act of the will. It is a choice. Albeit, a very heavy, difficult choice, but a choice all the same.

I have read too many stories of radical forgiveness to believe that we as a society can unconditionally deemed certain acts unforgivable. Parents have been able to forgive their children's murders make the news. I personally know women who have been able to forgive their rapists. There are entire websites devoted to helping adults forgive the abuse they endured as children.

Yes, I write this as someone who has not had to forgive an act of physical violence. However, the biggest things I have had to forgive in my life are things some people list as “unforgivable.” Yet, I was able to forgive.

For me as a Christian, I look to Christ as my model. If He could forgive those who tortured and murdered Him, then that is my example of forgiveness. As He hung on the cross, He used some of His last breath to forgive. Wow. That is radical forgiveness.

Further, if I expect to have things I have done forgiven, can I really cling to an idea that there are some actions that are unforgivable? I would never want to categorically cut off the mercy of God, lest I find myself counted in that unforgiveness.

So, if there is something in your life that you deem unforgivable, I ask you to reflect on what the cost of forgiveness would be and what you would gain from the forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process, so you don't have to rush into it. Remember, it is an act of will that is in your control. You couldn't control that person doing harm to you, but you can control what role that event plays in you life and how you respond to it.