Apologize

My most recent #ForgivenessFriday post was one simple word: Apologize. 

A lot of what I post and discuss is from the point of view of the person who was hurt so I wanted to post about when we are the offender. We all do things that can hurt each other. Small slights can really dig deep, especially if they are ongoing. If we wrong someone, we should apologize. We may not even realize we've hurt someone but we can still apologize, and do so genuinely.

When you are the one who was hurt, hearing the apology can aid our ability to get past the hurt. However, I was listening to a podcast that posed an interesting question – is an apology because the victim needs to hear it or because the offender needs to hear themselves say it? I believe that this is setting up an unnecessary duality, as both are needed. When we are wronged, the apology validates feelings and honors that a hurt did occur. When we apologize after doing something, we are recognizing the wrong, humbling ourselves, and placing the relationship or the other person above our need to be right or to save face.

If we are not able to say we are sorry, we need to explore why that is. Firstly, it could be that we don't think a wrong occurred. If it is an inherently, unarguably wrong thing and you don't think you are in the wrong, you may well be a sociopath. But for the other 96% of the population who are not sociopaths, we may have offended someone in a small interaction. We can unknowingly hurt feelings. Once you are made aware of the hurt feelings, are you too proud, or unfeeling, that you'd dismiss the other's feelings?

Or perhaps you feel justified in some respect in what you did. You find some reason for the behavior. Hurt people hurt people, so I have learned to try and take a moment to take that into consideration when others wrong me. Even though people may extend you a grace by understanding what you have been through, this not an excuse to completely dismiss that you did something hurtful. If you are in an argument and both people were in the wrong, you may feel like if you apologize you are taking responsibility for the entire argument. You can apologize just for what you said and did. This can invite an apology from the other if they also said or did hurtful things.

If you can't apologize, do you feel that admitting a wrong doing is admitting you have a wrong character? It can be hard for some to separate the two, but good people can make poor choices and hurt others. You can give a sincere apology for an action and it doesn't necessarily reflect your character. (If you continue the behavior, then there's a problem.)

So what about you? Do you have trouble apologizing? Do you have trouble accepting apologies? 

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If you haven't watched the documentary "A Way to Forgiveness" watch now: http://awaytoforgiveness.weebly.com/

Walking Through Fog

Photos of fog are, to me, some of the most beautiful nature pictures. 

The number of photos I have of fog is second only to photos of waves. When I am walking through fog, I feel like I am surrounded by beautiful mystery. Fog evokes a mood - intrigue, enchantment, or awe. Suffice it to say, I love walking through fog. Physically, that is.

Contemplating life in the fog.

But emotionally, walking through a fog is an entirely different experience. It can be downright awful. When you are in pain but can't see a way out of it, when you can only see the very next step in front of you, all you want is for the fog to clear. Feelings of mystery are replaced by fear and awe can turn into dread.

With photography, you can turn a drab picture of fog into something beautiful with the right tools and editing. So, too, can you do emotionally. After you've gone through something, you can re-frame it and with enough distance you may even see some glimmer of beauty in the experience.

But what about in the moment? How do you deal with the fog while it surrounds you, when it is enveloping you? You do what you can. You let your eyes adjust and focus on what you can see. You take careful steps and as you go, the path will continue to unfold. And remember that fog eventually lifts. In time you will be able to see more and more of the world around you. The sun will shine again.

And you can take some beautiful photos in the sun. Those can be pretty darn great, too. 

Forgiveness: Reaction vs. Response

Humans are animals at our core. As such, there are certain reactions that are part of our being - when we are hungry we react by getting food; when we are thirsty, drink; when we are caught in the elements, we seek shelter.  Those are reactions to our physical needs.

When it comes to our emotional needs, we do have gut, knee-jerk reactions, too. But are those reactions always the best solutions? A response is different than a reaction. A response is more thought-out. A response can be more tempered. A response can make you choose the exact opposite of your initial reaction.

Life is difficult at times, but each difficulty is an opportunity to grow in virtue and character.  It may not feel like an opportunity, a positive thing, in the moment. But you can work to turn all things to good. You can make a choice and have a response that would lead to a better outcome for you.

Take, for instance, a situation where you were hurt by another. Your initial reaction may be to hurt them back, to verbally attack them, to walk away, or any other similar action. But, with some time and thought, you may be able to do what may have been initially unthinkable. You can respond with forgiveness.

Personally, I have been intrigued by forgiveness for quite a while (long before I made "A Way to Forgiveness"). I am fascinated by people's ability to forgive some incredible hurts. Many years ago, I read a story about a man who forgave his daughter's killer, visited that man in prison, and even ended up speaking on his behalf at his parole hearing.

Forgiveness was clearly was not a quick journey for that father, but it shows a response that is different than a reaction. I invite you to do the same.

The Faith of Forgiving

In this morning's gospel, Luke 17:1-6, Jesus talks about forgiveness and faith.

"If your brother sins, rebuke him;
and if he repents, forgive him.
And if he wrongs you seven times in one day
and returns to you seven times saying, 'I am sorry,'
you should forgive him."

In response, the Apostles ask Christ to, "Increase our faith."They knew that on their own they could not fulfill this command of forgiveness. To forgive an offense is not our natural instinct. Yet, it is what we are called to do.

So, if you are struggling to forgive, the best place to start is to ask God to increase your faith and to help you forgive. It may still take a while, but you will get there. When you ask God to work in you in a way that is conducive to His will, He will do it. It may not look like what you expect or be on your timeline but it will happen.

For what is the Lord's response in this passage to the apostles?

The Lord replied, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed,
you would say to this mulberry tree,
'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you."

 With faith, we can do the impossible. Even forgiving someone who hurt you.

Forgiving the Little Things

I think we can give a lot of thought on forgiving the big things – when someone really wrongs you. But what about those smaller situations of conflict? We all have times where we get irked by a co-worker, boss, friend, loved one, or significant other. These moments may be 'small' in the grand scheme of life, but they are still worth noting and need to be dealt with to keep peace in your relationship. For life is made of millions of these small moments and these are, by and large, the fabric of our relationships.

So when you have a small conflicts or misunderstanding or are holding a small grudge, what do you do? Do you bring up the situation? Do you mention you forgive the person? How do you act the next time the same situation occurs? As I was thinking about this, I thought back to something that happened to me recently. I thought I'd share since hearing a story is easier than reading about hypotheticals. Also, I also use the story to point out that forgiveness isn't a destination and even I, who tours around with a film and a talk on how to forgive, am continually learning and growing to be better forgiver.

I'll be brief with my story. Here it is - someone didn't show up to an event I hosted, which hurt my feelings. I shared my feelings and, at first, he did not react terribly well. However, shortly thereafter, he called to apologize for the reaction. We met and talked more about the situation. During the conversation, he said something along the lines of, “It's okay that you felt that way.” This was not the first time this sentiment had been expressed, so I did not respond well. I raised my voice and said, “I know it's okay that I have these feelings. I don't need your permission to have feelings. I'm telling you how I'm feeling.”

Immediately I could see this was not the best way to respond. He adopted a defensive stance and I assessed that the conversation could easily devolve into an unhealthy argument. I decided to quickly rephrase and use the “sandwhich method” - putting the negative in the middle of two positive comments. So, I expressed gratitude for the times he has sought to understand my feelings, then I stated that what he said made me feel like he was saying he was granting permission, which aggravated me, and I closed by complimenting on what a good listener he has so often been. That approach resulted in a more positive response. His body language immediately shifted and he expressed what was meant by the comment. We had a brief, calm discussion and then moved on.

 

So, what do I learn from this story and hope you can take away from it?

1. In these smaller moments of conflict, it is always good to find a way to express yourself and your feelings. Keeping things bottled up will not be helpful.
2. Remember that the other person is a human being with feelings, too. Be positive in your approach.
3. Your desire is likely to maintain your relationship with that person, so keep that in the forefront of your mind and in how you speak. Someone is more likely to respond to, “I really value your friendship. When you say/do X, it makes me feel Y. Can we talk about it?” than “You always do this and it's pissing me off!”

If you are a person of faith, I find it it helpful to keep these situations in prayer. The Holy Spirit can help you choose the right words and be witness to the conversation.

What about you? What have you found to help in these smaller moments of conflict?

Freedom in Forgiveness

I talk to a lot people about forgiveness. It's only natural when you make a documentary about the topic of forgiveness that it would lead to lots of conversations. I continue to learn as I talk to people, sometimes even if it just cementing in my brain something that I learned previously.

Yesterday I was in a conversation and the person said he often forgives because he doesn't want to feel chained to that experience or that person who hurt him. There is freedom in not holding yourself hostage with an unforgiving heart.

When I walked the Camino de Santiago, I met a man from Germany. Michael and I spent a number of days walking together and he allowed me to interview him for my film. Here is a tiny excerpt from his interview:

This popped into my head during my conversation yesterday. I really like how Michael so clearly equates forgiveness with freedom. In parts of the interview that didn't make the final cut, he had talked about a few very difficult situations in his life. This made him the man he was, someone who is was very matter-of-fact in the point that there truly is no other way for him than to forgive.

When we forgive, we are not holding on to negative feelings of anger, resentment, mistrust, etc. When you give up those feelings, you allow yourself instead to be open to joy, to look for good in other people, to trust that others won't do what that person did to you. When you approach other relationships from this positive stance, those experiences will be better for it. You will be better for it.

So if you are struggling to forgive, think of the positive things that will come from forgiving. Think of the others in your life who will benefit from having a forgiving, positive person in their lives. Think of the freedom you will feel when you stop focusing on the hurt and break the chains that are binding you to the person who wronged you.

Fluent in forgiveness

As a pilgrim I met along the way, who is in "A Way to Forgiveness" says - forgiveness is like learning a language. The more you do it, the easier it comes. I liked the way he put that and it was helpful to me then and still strikes me when I watch the film with a new audience.

At a screening on Saturday, there was a question during the Q&A portion that led me to think about people who I know just a little who have done something to hurt me. I realized that I haven't taken the time to forgive them because those people mean so little to me. When someone you love hurts you, I think that the love can compel you to try to forgive. Without great love, there is not great hurt, and not a great desire to right the relationship.

If you are forgiving mostly for yourself - to let go of pain and heal - then maybe you don't need to forgive those people. But the call to forgive is to repair relationships. This doesn't mean every time you forgive, there is reconciliation and the relationship will go back to what it was before. It means that when there has been hurt, there is a brokenness that needs to be tended to. Even if that person means very little to you and thus the hurt may be smaller and the desire to forgive may be small, there is still some brokenness. Should that not be repaired?

What about a perfect stranger who does something to you? Presumably you don't love that person (any more than you love any person just for being human), so the desire or need to forgive would not grow out of the level of love. Instead. I believe that in those circumstances, the need to forgive increases with the level of the offense. If a stranger does something small, like cut you off in traffic, you can quickly forgive and it almost means nothing to you. But if they rob you or physically harm you, then there is deeper brokenness that will need to be addressed despite the lack of relationship.

I confess, I felt convicted in front of that audience on Saturday, realizing that as I spoke about how to forgive, there were people that I hadn't forgiven. We are called to forgive widely and often, to forgive loved ones and strangers alike.

So perhaps those offenses by people who aren't a big part of our life are the first lessons in this new language of forgiveness. Instead of sweeping them under the rug, we should deal with them so that we can be fluent in forgiveness when it is more strongly needed.