Wanting Good for Another

I've heard it said that love is “wanting the good for another.”

So what do you do when that person you love does something to hurt you and chooses to leave your life? How do you continue to “want the good” for them when they seem to not want the good for you?

I wrestled with many emotions as I walked across Spain on the Camino de Santiago to deal with the death of my marriage. Along the way, I made friends with other pilgrims and discussed forgiveness, among other topics of life. One woman who is featured in the documentary of my journey said something that stuck with me. We were talking about forgiving strangers versus forgiving people who are really part of your life. She said that you only have to go through forgiveness with the people whom you really love because the impact of them is much higher than the impact a stranger.

I'm not sure I totally agree with that. In a situation of violence, the impact is certainly very big, no matter who the offender is. It is a different dynamic of forgiveness if you know the person, of course. But there are so many examples of profound forgiveness toward a stranger, which I addressed in my last blog post on unforgiveness.

If it is someone you loved that hurt you, the love doesn't miraculously go away when the relationship ends because they hurt you. In fact, that is why the pain is so deep – because you have such profound love. The level of negative feelings is so intense since it is someone you loved and never thought would do something to hurt you.

But with great love can come extraordinary grace and the immense beauty of forgiveness.

It doesn't mean that it is easier. That is really what my Camino friend was saying, that it can be harder especially for that reason - that you love them. For me, the only way I got through the pain was the grace of God and was only able to forgive because of the love. Despite the fact that I was hurt, I still wanted the good for my former spouse. Most days. Some days I wanted nothing good for him.

I started with prayer. I prayed every day as I walked. I prayed for healing from the broken marriage. I prayed for myself. And at the end of each prayer time, I mustered up the courage to pray for my former spouse. At the beginning of the journey, admittedly, the prayers were selfish. “Lord, let him apologize.” “God please let him see the error of his ways” “Jesus, please...” well, you get the idea. But I did pray.

Another thought the woman on the Camino said kept ringing in my head. Speaking of problems she has with someone she loves and she said, “if I love, I love the whole. I love the bad and I love the good.”

Yes, my former husband made some choices that hurt me. And while our vows of “til death do us part” were not lived up to, I could still learn from having vowed to love “in good times and in bad, for better and for worse.” The dynamic of the love was shifting and fading in some ways, but there was still some type of love for him as a human being, as a child of God.

My desire to forgive always came from my faith. I know that Jesus forgives the worst in all of us and asks the same from us, so I wanted to heed his call. Further, in the bible we are called to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

So even today, nearly two years after I walked the Camino, I continue to pray for my former spouse on my daily walk. I'm happy to report that these days my prayers are much more focused on him. I've changed to asking, “God, please help him be the man you are calling him to be.” “Lord, please be in his life and let him turn to you.”

It is agonizing to be hurt by someone you love. But there is beauty in forgiveness and for me, that came through the prayer. And the underlying desire to want the good of another. 

The Unforgivable

At a networking event last week the topic of forgiveness came up, as it often does for me now as I tell people about my documentary. The discussion turned to the idea of things that are unforgivable. The person who staunchly held the opinion that certain offenses can not be forgiven clearly had some trauma from the past that was still very present. I did my best to have compassion while calling this person to see the value of forgiveness.

But are there things which are unforgivable? As I interviewed people along the Camino de Santiago about this topic, most people were positive about the prospect of forgiveness, difficult as the process may be. One person – who did not make the final cut of the film, unfortunately – said that she believes certain offenses – abuse of children and murder – are unforgivable. Others I have talked to add sexual abuse and rape to that list. And for some, they add marital infidelity or other deception.

So what makes an act unforgivable? Is it the vulnerability of the victim? The intent of the offender? The depth of depravity of the offense? Whether or not an offense is repeated? The lack of an apology?

First, we must define what it means to forgive. It is to give up the anger and resentment of an offense, to pardon that incident. It does not mean you are condoning the behavior. It does not mean that the offender should not deal with consequences what he/she did. If it was a criminal act, they should be brought to the proper authorities. Forgiveness absolutely does not mean that the victim should be forced to continually be put in a position to be the target of the offender, as in a case of abuse. Safety is paramount.

So given that understanding, is anything really unforgivable? What would stand in the way? I dare say what stands in someone's way of forgiving is their own mind. Forgiveness is an act of the will. It is a choice. Albeit, a very heavy, difficult choice, but a choice all the same.

I have read too many stories of radical forgiveness to believe that we as a society can unconditionally deemed certain acts unforgivable. Parents have been able to forgive their children's murders make the news. I personally know women who have been able to forgive their rapists. There are entire websites devoted to helping adults forgive the abuse they endured as children.

Yes, I write this as someone who has not had to forgive an act of physical violence. However, the biggest things I have had to forgive in my life are things some people list as “unforgivable.” Yet, I was able to forgive.

For me as a Christian, I look to Christ as my model. If He could forgive those who tortured and murdered Him, then that is my example of forgiveness. As He hung on the cross, He used some of His last breath to forgive. Wow. That is radical forgiveness.

Further, if I expect to have things I have done forgiven, can I really cling to an idea that there are some actions that are unforgivable? I would never want to categorically cut off the mercy of God, lest I find myself counted in that unforgiveness.

So, if there is something in your life that you deem unforgivable, I ask you to reflect on what the cost of forgiveness would be and what you would gain from the forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process, so you don't have to rush into it. Remember, it is an act of will that is in your control. You couldn't control that person doing harm to you, but you can control what role that event plays in you life and how you respond to it.  

The Strength of Vulnerability

I walked the Camino de Santiago, the centuries-old Catholic pilgrimage in northern Spain, for a very specific reason. While I had wanted to walk the Camino for about 15 years, and it was only when my 12-year marriage was ending that I decided it was time to go for that long walk. A 500-mile walk to be precise.

Since I am a screenwriter and filmmaker, I felt I would be remiss if I did not bring my camera along to capture my journey. Even as I lugged the extra weight across a country, I wasn't sure if anything was going to come of all the filming beyond a video diary for myself.

I ultimately decided to share my experience in a documentary after I returned home and reviewed the raw footage. I watched a conversation I had which seemed to leave an impact on the other person. I realized that by sharing my story with him, he was able to see that he was not alone and he walked away thinking about things in a new way. I figured that perhaps others could be helped by witnessing me get over this heartache and trying to achieve forgiveness. I had already endured the pain, so I figured I should turn it into something good and try to help others.

Opening up to each other on the Camino.

Thus, “A Way to Forgiveness” was made and released into the world. The response to my documentary has been overwhelming and humbling. I have been approached by audience members who say, “thank you for being so vulnerable and honest.” In the film, I am extremely open about the pain of the divorce I was going through and I didn't hold back much of my experience.

I have been thinking a lot about the word “vulnerable” as I have had viewers respond in kind – with openness of their own as they share their stories with me. As I am wont to do, I looked up vulnerable in the dictionary as I continued to ruminate on this idea. I was taken aback as I read the words “susceptible to attack or harm.” And further, the thesaurus presented synonyms of “weak,” unsafe,” “sucker,” and “insecure.”

A bad day on the Camino that is featured in the film.

I realize opening up about my journey searching to find a way to forgive my former husband and find a way out of the hole of depression is not a choice every person would make. But contrary to the synonyms in the dictionary, I feel there is strength in sharing my story. Further, I don't feel like I'm opening myself up to harm. And surely, people who commend this vulnerability are not meaning to call me a sucker.

There's a saying on the Camino that “everyone walks their own Camino.” We are all going the same way but we each have our own experience. Along the way, we bond as pilgrims in search of something. As we let our guard down and invited each other into our stories, we connected in strong ways.

Bonding as we walk. The Camino provides good friends and laughter.

This is the same in life in general, we're all going through life together but on our own journey. And if we can just be brave enough to be share a bit of ourselves in complete honesty, that is how we genuinely relate with others along the way. If we have the courage to let our walls down and let someone in, that is where the beauty of human connection resides.

Based on the responses of audiences, I am not alone the in seeing the strength in being vulnerable. Letting audiences in on my own quest for forgiveness has given them the opportunity to reflect on forgiveness in their own lives. Viewers have sought me out to share themselves and give me a glimpse into their own stories. It has been so moving to connect with people in such a deep and truthful way.

If you dare to vulnerable, you can watch “A Way to Forgiveness” online or on DVD. Visit http://awaytoforgiveness.weebly.com/watch-the-film.html