My most recent #ForgivenessFriday post
was one simple word: Apologize.
A lot of what I post and discuss is
from the point of view of the person who was hurt so I wanted to post
about when we are the offender. We all do things that can hurt each
other. Small slights can really dig deep, especially if they are
ongoing. If we wrong someone, we should apologize. We may not even
realize we've hurt someone but we can still apologize, and do so
genuinely.
When you are the one who was hurt,
hearing the apology can aid our ability to get past the hurt.
However, I was listening to a podcast that posed an interesting
question – is an apology because the victim needs to hear it or
because the offender needs to hear themselves say it? I believe that
this is setting up an unnecessary duality, as both are needed. When
we are wronged, the apology validates feelings and honors that a hurt
did occur. When we apologize after doing something, we are
recognizing the wrong, humbling ourselves, and placing the
relationship or the other person above our need to be right or to
save face.
If we are not able to say we are sorry,
we need to explore why that is. Firstly, it could be that we don't
think a wrong occurred. If it is an inherently, unarguably wrong
thing and you don't think you are in the wrong, you may well be a
sociopath. But for the other 96% of the population who are not
sociopaths, we may have offended someone in a small interaction. We
can unknowingly hurt feelings. Once you are made aware of the hurt
feelings, are you too proud, or unfeeling, that you'd dismiss the
other's feelings?
Or perhaps you feel justified in some
respect in what you did. You find some reason for the behavior. Hurt
people hurt people, so I have learned to try and take a moment to
take that into consideration when others wrong me. Even though people
may extend you a grace by understanding what you have been through,
this not an excuse to completely dismiss that you did something
hurtful. If you are in an argument and both people were in the wrong,
you may feel like if you apologize you are taking responsibility for
the entire argument. You can apologize just for what you said and
did. This can invite an apology from the other if they also said or
did hurtful things.
If you can't apologize, do you feel
that admitting a wrong doing is admitting you have a wrong character?
It can be hard for some to separate the two, but good people can make
poor choices and hurt others. You can give a sincere apology for an
action and it doesn't necessarily reflect your character. (If you
continue the behavior, then there's a problem.)
So what about you? Do you have trouble
apologizing? Do you have trouble accepting apologies?
***
If you haven't watched the documentary "A Way to Forgiveness" watch now: http://awaytoforgiveness.weebly.com/
