Wanting Good for Another

I've heard it said that love is “wanting the good for another.”

So what do you do when that person you love does something to hurt you and chooses to leave your life? How do you continue to “want the good” for them when they seem to not want the good for you?

I wrestled with many emotions as I walked across Spain on the Camino de Santiago to deal with the death of my marriage. Along the way, I made friends with other pilgrims and discussed forgiveness, among other topics of life. One woman who is featured in the documentary of my journey said something that stuck with me. We were talking about forgiving strangers versus forgiving people who are really part of your life. She said that you only have to go through forgiveness with the people whom you really love because the impact of them is much higher than the impact a stranger.

I'm not sure I totally agree with that. In a situation of violence, the impact is certainly very big, no matter who the offender is. It is a different dynamic of forgiveness if you know the person, of course. But there are so many examples of profound forgiveness toward a stranger, which I addressed in my last blog post on unforgiveness.

If it is someone you loved that hurt you, the love doesn't miraculously go away when the relationship ends because they hurt you. In fact, that is why the pain is so deep – because you have such profound love. The level of negative feelings is so intense since it is someone you loved and never thought would do something to hurt you.

But with great love can come extraordinary grace and the immense beauty of forgiveness.

It doesn't mean that it is easier. That is really what my Camino friend was saying, that it can be harder especially for that reason - that you love them. For me, the only way I got through the pain was the grace of God and was only able to forgive because of the love. Despite the fact that I was hurt, I still wanted the good for my former spouse. Most days. Some days I wanted nothing good for him.

I started with prayer. I prayed every day as I walked. I prayed for healing from the broken marriage. I prayed for myself. And at the end of each prayer time, I mustered up the courage to pray for my former spouse. At the beginning of the journey, admittedly, the prayers were selfish. “Lord, let him apologize.” “God please let him see the error of his ways” “Jesus, please...” well, you get the idea. But I did pray.

Another thought the woman on the Camino said kept ringing in my head. Speaking of problems she has with someone she loves and she said, “if I love, I love the whole. I love the bad and I love the good.”

Yes, my former husband made some choices that hurt me. And while our vows of “til death do us part” were not lived up to, I could still learn from having vowed to love “in good times and in bad, for better and for worse.” The dynamic of the love was shifting and fading in some ways, but there was still some type of love for him as a human being, as a child of God.

My desire to forgive always came from my faith. I know that Jesus forgives the worst in all of us and asks the same from us, so I wanted to heed his call. Further, in the bible we are called to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

So even today, nearly two years after I walked the Camino, I continue to pray for my former spouse on my daily walk. I'm happy to report that these days my prayers are much more focused on him. I've changed to asking, “God, please help him be the man you are calling him to be.” “Lord, please be in his life and let him turn to you.”

It is agonizing to be hurt by someone you love. But there is beauty in forgiveness and for me, that came through the prayer. And the underlying desire to want the good of another.